From Contest #7
This Contest's Candidates (the official list, in no particular order):
"Bennett's Senate Year 2000 Committee has been looking
into how the bug will affect important sectors of the economy, particularly
transportation, electricity, health care and other vital services such as drinking water.
At the state-of-the-art Lenain Water Treatment Plant overlooking this city of 300,000
south of Los Angeles, officials gave the senator a tour and went over precautions they
have taken. The steps go well beyond the simple expedient already known to many home
computer operators, said Greg Russell, the plant's senior electrical engineer. That
solution is to "fool" one's computer by setting the date to December 1983. Since
1984's days of the weeks and months match 2000's, only the year would be wrong."
And the days of the week. Check your calendars folks: although 1984 was a
leap year, it started on a Sunday, not a Saturday. Hint: try 1972. Quoted on
AP via Hot CoCo Water groups
ready for 2000 glitch December 19, 1998. Submitted by Kent Hansen.
Gwynneth Flower, head of the UK
Government's millennium bug taskforce Action 2000: "We are talking about people
having a judicious amount of surplus food in their kitchen cupboards. Anyone sensible
would plan for this."
AND
A spokeswoman for Sainsbury said: "We feel fairly confident that everything will be
normal next year. Much of our millennium preparation is going on alcohol because we think
people will be drinking more. We are renting an extra 400,000 sq ft of warehouse space for
all that surplus booze."
So at least in the UK it's official: if you can't heat the food you've stockpiled
due to a lack of power, you will at least be able to get drunk. Quoted on The Observer Millenium bug panic
warning December 13, 1998. Submitted by Laura Archbald.
Denver Colorado's Y2k director Dave
Bufalo: "We'll oftentimes just wait until the clock rolls over to see if
things work or don't work ... I don't think the world's going to come to an end. But I
can't say exactly what will happen, either."
If it ain't broke (yet) don't fix it (yet). Besides, there will be lots
more time to fix things if we wait until after they break. Quoted on the Denver Post
Online City to tackle Y2K when time
comes December 13, 1998.
"Then, a self-described "rainbow gypsy" named
Jason Gibson grabbed the mike. His face dusted with glitter
and framed by a floppy purple velvet cap, Gibson shared Y2K advice he had learned from
Hopi elders, urging those in attendance to form "crystal earth pods" and head to
the hills. He invited people to join him at a Planet Art Network meeting, where they could
get their galactic signature decoded and learn the real cause of Y2K."
The "funny" mushroom crop in Portland must have been very, very good this
year. Quoted on Willamette Week Y2k
Hippies: Just because they're paranoid doesn't mean they're wrong December 2, 1998.
Submitted by John Shier.
Richmond, CA City Councilman Nat Bates,
commenting on a preliminary audit that finds fault with the city's failure to adopt an
aggressive plan to survive the millennium bug: "As long as we're moving forward then
we have to just be patient and hope that eventually … we'll achieve the level of
compliance that they expect from us."
Sometime in 2002, no doubt. Quoted on The Contra Costa Times Auditors bug Richmond
over computer plans December 8, 1998. Submitted by puttfxr.
Margaret Beckett, leader of the
UK House of Commons, in her latest quarterly statement to parliament on the preparations
for the millennium bug: "Also, all the systems people might be worried about are
designed to be "fail-safe,'' in other words they would cease to work rather than go
off unexpectedly."
A good thing if it's a nuclear weapon: a bad thing if it's a power plant or a
telephone company. Quoted on Reuters UK
Government Sees Good Progress on Millennium Bug December 2, 1998. Submitted by
Ree McSween.
Tom Beasley, co-operator of
Conniry's Native Skills and Wilderness School in the hills just northeast of San Diego:
"If this Y2K thing goes all the way it could go to the Stone Age. I don't anticipate
that happening, but you never know."
Stone age?? I guess once the computers all fail we will forget how to build fires
and smelt iron. A must-read article just full of silliness. Quoted on The
Boston Globe Gathering
gear for 2000 December 8, 1998. Submitted by Stacy Morris.
Y2k czar John Koskinen (yet
again): "I am scheduled to fly to New York Friday evening, Dec. 31, 1999, and catch
the first commercial flight back to Washington Saturday morning." ... Koskinen said
he was taking the flights to show that there should be no widespread problems or social
unrest caused by computers' internal calendars rolling over from 1999 to 2000. There will
be some problems, however, even in computer systems that have extensive fixes installed,
he warned. ... "No one can guarantee that all the systems will work."
Maybe he can sit next to the head of the FAA. Quoted on AP Head of Federal Y2K
Commission Confident of Fix December 5, 1998. Submitted by Don Bionaz.
Editorial by James K. Glassman
fellow at the American Enterprise Institute: "...Something you know about in advance
is unlikely to hurt you very much"
Let's see, we know there will be a big earthquake in California at some point in
the future, we know there will be hurricanes next fall... Quoted in the Washington
Post Going bonkers over Y2K
December 2, 1998. Submitted first by Heather Westerfield, and also submitted by Bill
Adsit and Alan Park.
Capt. Allan Toole, who was
recently assigned to correct the Year 2000 (Y2K) problems at the Defense Special Weapons
Agency (DSWA) after that agency claimed that three of five so-called "mission
critical" computer systems, essential to conducting its most primary duties, were
fully prepared to face the computer crisis despite never conducting necessary testing:
"I have a good feeling about Y2K in this agency"
We have a good feeling too. How about a big ol' group hug and we'll just
forget about it. Suddenly, the U.S. governments' plan to be compliant by March 1999
becomes a bit clearer. Quoted in USA Today Pentagon exaggerated Y2K
readiness December 27, 1998. Submitted by Fred Holborn.
"In Lowndes County, Administrator Jacquelyn
Thomas said her office is buying a new computer system this year, which she hopes
will eliminate any potential problems. Only some county functions are computerized, she
said. ... She said her office isn't testing any existing computer systems or
equipment. "We feel we'll be all right," she said. "
She must have been talking to Capt. Toole at DSWA. From the A.P. and quoted
on Alabama Live Officials
leery of Y2K problems taking precautions December 8, 1998. Submitted by Bill
Adsit.
Columnist Enoch Muhammad:
"What caused the designers of computers and computer chip machinery to ignore this
mess and who should be blamed? Why is this problem called a bug or a virus? Was this
problem planned by the designers or by some hackers?"
It's all a plot. All those smart COBOL programmers were planning their
revenge even back then. Or, we could blame short-sighted management for waiting
until the last minute before fixing the problem. Nah! Quoted on The Daily
Egyptian Shock 19
November 17, 1998. Submitted anonymously.
Stupid Journalism
"The January 1, 2000, better known as the Y2K problem,
is not only the bug biting the software industry. Software programmes with in-bulit
calendar will also blink out when it comes to February 30, 2000. Virtually none of the
present-day software programs are programmed to accept February 30 as a valid date."
And with good reason, we might add! Ok, one more time: 2000 IS a leap
year, but it's not that much of a leap year! Quoted on Indian Express Online
(Bombay) After
Y2K, it is February 30 bug biting December 20, 1998. Submitted by David Miller.
Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC) Commentator Rex Murphy: "We are headed, in a matter of mere months, for
the information ice age. The machines are going to freeze and everything that they run --
which is everything that runs, will freeze with them. There is nothing in the modern
world, from cars to airplanes to hair dryers to TV sets; from Internet accounts to video
games, nuclear defense systems to voice mail; from your Bay card to little Johnny's
academic standing since grade two; from Revenue Canada to the local gas station, that
doesn't owe its proper functioning and record to some computer chip. ... Come the year
2000, when we're all sitting in the dark and huddled around a million living room camp
fires, writing messages to one another on paper with $50 pencils and using $3,000 laptops
to block out the draughts, $80-billion Bill and the other princelings of Silicon Valley
should have been made to pay for what their hucksterism and hubris have cost us."
Trust us, you'll want to see this. Pound-for-pound this is the stupidest
Y2k report we've seen (and as you can imagine, we've seen a lot!) Congratulations,
Rex, you got every single fact wrong. Hair dryers??? Quoted on CBC's The
National Point Of View:
Y2k November 2, 1998. Or watch the stupidity on RealVideo by clicking here. Submitted by
Russell Hauser.
Commentary by Charley Reese:
"If my computer ever tells me, "Sorry, old chap, but I can't write 2,000,"
I'll just say, "Don't sweat it, old chip. Just leave the space blank, and I'll write
in the date." ... To save all an e-mail, I already know that I'm
computer-illiterate, and I don't care and do not wish to be educated on this topic. If you
want to chew your nails about Y2K, be my guest."
So, let's see if we have this right. Something has to be TEOTWAWKI before we
attempt to fix it before it breaks? Or take reasonable precautions in case other people
don't fix important things? Quoted on The Orlando Sentinel Forecast: Y2K will not
be the end of civilization as we know it December 15, 1998. Submitted first by
Stephen Mahan.
"A worst-case scenario would still allow MSD's
waste-treatment plants to operate, Mr. Nalley told commissioners, because of backup
electrical systems and manual operation of plant equipment. ... Moreover, he said
many sewer systems work via gravity — with backup electrical generators — and
would remain operational despite a computer shutdown."
We hadn't realized gravity needed backup electrical generators. Or had a Y2k
problem, for that matter. Hopefully any failures will be very localized.
Quoted on The Cincinnati Enquirer Sewers to be
safe from Y2K? December 15, 1998. Submitted by Joel Kneisley.
Stupid Y2k Compliance Requests: One CFO's revenge
---"Dan Lee, a soft-spoken
former Wall Street analyst and weekend pilot, isn't generally given to flights of fancy.
---But
he's had it with the so-called millennium bug.
---Last
month, Mr. Lee, the chief financial officer of Mirage Resorts Inc. in Las Vegas, got a
two-page query from Harrah's Entertainment Inc., in Memphis, Tenn., asking whether
Mirage's computers are ready for the new millennium. "Who is leading your Y2K
efforts?" Harrah's asked Mr. Lee, requesting titles, names and phone numbers.
---Such
letters are common now as companies rush to ensure that their computers will be able to
cope when the date rolls from 1999 to 2000. Hoping to avoid breakdowns and legal liability
for year 2000 problems, they are seeking blanket assurances from people they do business
with that they, too, are millennium-prepared.
---Mr.
Lee scrawled in reply, "There are large rodents on the property who are in charge of
our ... Y2K efforts. I'm not sure of their phone and fax numbers."
Asked for the names of his suppliers, he listed "God" and gave
"Heaven" as the address. Then, in the margins, he scribbled further remarks to
Colin Reed, Harrah's chief financial officer: "This is the best proof I've seen yet
that the Y2K situation is a ... scheme initiated by Bill Gates, et al., to sell
software."
---The
questionnaire he mocked specifically pertained to the computer readiness of an Atlantic
City parking lot that Harrah's rents from Mirage Resorts. The lot is very low-tech.
"I'm not even sure that it's paved," says the 42-year-old Mr. Lee.
---So,
asked by Harrah's to describe how he has tested the parking lot's systems, he responded:
"We took an old Ford pickup truck and removed the clock. We then drove the Ford to
the site and parked it, being careful to avoid the rodents mentioned above. It drove fine.
It parked fine. We are seeking an expensive consultant who will verify, based on this
data, that our parking lot is Y2K compliant."
Kudos to Dan Lee for an appropriate response to a stupid request. Quoted from
DeseretNews.com Millennium
bugged: The big Y2K problem is the silly questions December 9, 1998.
Stupid Y2k Notices
Received by an insurance policy holder in the UK: "Sir, I have received notice of my house buildings insurance renewal. An enclosure lists various exclusions, among which is "loss or damage caused by equipment failing correctly to recognise data representing year 2000".
The accompanying policy schedule shows the insurance period
to be January 1, 1999, to January 1, 1900."
Oopsie. Found on The London Times Letters
to the Editor December 11, 1998. Submitted by Paul Peterson.
And now the the unofficial list:
all those other entries who's sources couldn't be verified, but we liked anyway
My son...this is an adult mind you...said that the
television networks wouldn't have spent all that money to renew the football season
contracts for 1999-2000 if there really was a Y2k problem. That proves it: football season
contract = no problem. Hope he's right.
Hey, if not we can all watch Super Bowl XXXIV by candlelight. Submitted
anonymously by a parent with a very optimistic (not to mention cynical) son.
While addressing a group in Honolulu regarding potential Y2K
problems, I asked the question, "What happens if some 60,000 state employees don't
get their paychecks, (because the state payroll system or the mainframe computer on which
it runs is non-compliant)"? One state employee in the crowd responded, "We'll
strike!"
For better pay, we assume. Submitted by Dave Porter.
On seeing a piece on CNN about Y2k, my boss at work said
"My neighbor next door is stockpiling food and water." "Really? What kind
of work does he do?" I asked. My boss replied "He is a computer
programmer." Then he asks me if our systems are Y2k compliant, to which I replied
"Better start stockpiling!!!!!!"
You know you are in trouble when... Submitted by Dan Buchholz.
I was doing some consulting for a Law Firm in Milwaukee.
They wanted some high speed internet access for online legal research. Their main systems
were 286 based. I started talking to the head attorney about Y2K and updating his whole
system, giving him Windows, etc. His response: "We are not doing anything. When the
system crashes in Jan. 2000 we will sue the computer industry."
Would all of our readers who are surprised by this please raise your hands?
Hmm...that's what we thought. Bravely submitted by Walt Nadolny.