From Contest #19
And Now, On To This Contest's Candidates (the official list, in no particular order):
Dan Lyden, owner of the Rocky Mountain
Clear water company in Hayden Lake, on people stocking up on bottled water
for Y2k: "We're not going to take that water back. ... They're going
to have to drink it."
Well at least it won't go bad. Or will it? I
saw an expiration date on a bottle of water the other day. Would
someone be so good as to explain to me why there is an expiration date on
a bottle of water? Quoted on Spokane.net Be
prepared to keep Y2K goods December 13, 1999. Submitted by
Eileen Cameron.
A definition for "wonderful" with which I am unfamiliar...
David Suzuki, a respected Canadian
geneticist, broadcaster and environmentalist: "I think it would be
wonderful if things collapsed for a few days. Chaos would happen ... but
it would be an amazing opportunity for people to really start thinking
about things -- and a global collapse would really make people
think."
Make them think about how strange some Canadian
environmentalists are, perhaps. Quoted on Yahoo Finance/Reuters Canadian
scientist hopes Y2K will shut down planet December 21, 1999.
Submitted by Linda Fitzpatrick.
Wishful thinking...
Our man John Koskinen, chairman of the
President's Council on Year 2000 Conversion: "Hopefully those people
[malicious hackers] will recognize we're going to have enough things going
on that [New Year's] weekend that this will not be a particularly good
weekend to demonstrate the need for more information security. ... If you
want to, in fact, make those points, my hope is (you'll) make them the
following weekend."
So, watch out for stupid hacker tricks on January 7th and
8th. And by the way, contrary to popular e-mails, neither "ElfBowl"
nor "Frogapult"
contain a Y2k virus. Quoted on Yahoo News/Reuters U.S.
to Computer Hackers: Give U.S. a Y2K Break December 14, 1999.
Submitted first by Dan Morrill.
Bruce Dickens, "inventor" of the
"windowing" technique for handling the Y2k problem: "This
is my invention. I got a patent and decided to exercise my rights."
Hey, the guy deserves credit! He "invented"
it in 1995. Of course, I have evidence that I invented it by using
"60" as a windowing year at least 3 years earlier. As do
most of you, I'm sure. Quoted on USA Today Millennium
shakedown? December 10, 1999. And the article has a picture of
Bruce and his attorney to boot! (Attorney? Boot? Hmmm... there's an idea
in there somewhere.)
William Van Winkle, columnist for NYRock Newz and self described
"computer guy": "On New Year's Eve, make sure you turn off
every PC in your house. Don't turn it back on until the next morning. That
way, the machine doesn't rollover into 2000 with the power on. It's called
the rollover problem. Just that'll fix 90 percent of the Y2K problems on
everyone's computers."
You know what they say about free advice. Quoted on
NYRock.com The Y2K Solution:
Campbell's Soup, Mm-mm Good November 1999. Submitted by Debbie Banks.
What would the last contest be without something from the
Russians...
Colonel-General Vladimir Yakovlev, head of
the Strategic Rocket Forces, when asked whether Russia and the United
States could guarantee there would be no erroneous missile launches as
January 1, 2000 began: "I can answer that there is such a guarantee
from Russia. ... Because today the command system which exists for the
intercontinental ballistic missiles of the Russian Federation is
impossible to copy and impregnable for any kind of intrusion into its
algorithm."
Translation: "impossible to copy" = "we
can't find the source code"; "impregnable for any kind of
intrusion" = "no one remembers how to run the system
anymore". Quoted on Yahoo News-Reuters Russia
Declares Its Nuclear Arms Y2K-Proof December 8,
1999. Submitted by Linda Fitzpatrick.
Vladimir Andreyev, head of Russia's
Federal Air Transport Service (and Strategic Rocket Forces too,
apparently): "Our aircraft will fly without any malfunctions."
The article goes on to say "Though Andreyev appeared unconcerned
about the unfinished work, he said he would not fly in Russia on the night
of Dec. 31."
Oh. Well, that's one malfunction their aircraft will
be missing, then. Quoted on Yahoo News-AP Russia
Lags on Y2K Flight Readiness December 3, 1999. Reference *and*
witty quip submitted by Linda Fitzpatrick.
Michael Vatis, director of the FBI's
national infrastructure protection center, on the FBI's plans to watch for
Y2k related cyber attacks: "It's natural to expect there might be
people doing stupid things with computers."
Heck, that's a daily occurrence around here. Quoted
on Yahoo News-Rueters FBI
Official Says Primed for Y2K Internet Malice December 8, 1999.
Submitted by Linda Fitzpatrick.
Bill Daley, Colorado Department of Natural
Resources' deputy director for administration, on the status of Y2k
remediation for water control systems: "If hatcheries didn't have
water we could lose hundreds of fish ... We're comfortable they're
ready."
The hatcheries or the fish? And while we're at
it..."hundreds" of fish? Quoted on The Denver Post No
danger from dams - probably December 8, 1999. Submitted by Linda
Fitzpatrick.
Chicago Mayor Richard Daley, on the
recommendation from the city's police superintendent for police employees
to store at least a two-week supply of water for every member of the
family: "Two weeks? Are we all gonna carry canteens?"
More like "drums" we would think. Quoted on
the Chicago Sun-Times Daley
rips Hillard's Y2K staff memo November 24, 1999. Submitted by
Thom Holloway.
"George Strawn, NSF's computer
networking director, also gave the news media credit for educating the
public, which helped Americans prepare for 2K problems without panicking.
<snip> In fact, he said, confidence in preparations for Y2K has
increased to the point where computer experts are already pondering what
caused the problem in the first place and how it might have been
avoided."
Begging the question: just how does someone avoid
short-sighted, ignorant, "just-in-time" management these
days? Quoted on Reuters Less
Y2K Worries, But Americans Still Stock Up November 28, 1999.
Submitted by Linda Fitzpatrick.
Luke Jackson, Jamaica's government Y2K
coordinator: "Gartner Group has a vested interest in stirring up
panic. They're consultants. That's what they do."
Hey, those consulting ethics are supposed to be a
secret! Personally as both a consultant and someone who will be *in*
Jamaica around the 1st, I'd just as soon do without the panic part. Quoted
on AP U.S.
Group's Y2K Ratings Criticized November 26, 1999. Submitted by
Linda Fitzpatrick.
Ilya
Klebanov, Russia's deputy prime minister in charge of defense:
"We will pass quietly through 2000 just like we have every other
year. I think it's best not to scare the little children of Russia."
Sorry. I can't hear the words "pass" and
"through" without thinking "goose." Quoted on AP
Russia
Nonchalant on Y2K Threat November 28, 1999. Submitted by Linda
Fitzpatrick.
And yet, they left NBC
alone...
Jim Margolin, a special agent with the New York
office of the FBI: "What if the video had been the work of some rogue
government agency or a terrorist militia group? We certainly would be remiss
if we get one or more reports and did nothing about it."
We're from the FBI. We don't have a sense of humor that
we know of. Quoted on Wired News Heat
Fries Y2K Film Web Host November 29, 1999. Submitted by Linda
Fitzpatrick.
He said what?
J.B. McCraw was called for jury duty in
Arlington County, Va., the same courtroom where sportscaster Marv Albert was
tried on assault and sodomy charges.
"When the judge asked if anyone wanted to
be excused, a handful of people gave good reasons before the crowd of about
260 people," Mr. McCraw reveals.
"Then, a gray-haired man in a gray
flannel suit seated in the jury box next to the judge stood, harumphed and
said: 'Your honor. I am on the President's Y2K Commission and this is a very
busy time for us, dealing with the Y2K problem.'
"The deceptively mild-mannered judge
leaned over, looked the gentleman square in the eye and said: 'Sir, the
president told us there is no Y2K problem. You are on panel A.'
"The guffaws from 250 throats was
glorious."
Maybe he could get a note from John Koskinen. It's probably
gone by now, but it was on the Washington Times Inside
the Beltway column for November 30, 1999. Submitted by Bruce
Webster.
And now the the unofficial list:
all those other entries whose sources couldn't be verified, but we liked anyway
Unfortunately, we will only qualify for the unofficial
list. I prefer not to
divulge names and this isn't anywhere except in my email. But, when our
Y2K
manager asked our IT manager in Rome about the Y2K status at their site,
the
answer was: "We don't have time to do that update this year. We'll do
it next
year."
Submitted anonymously, of course.
Recently the law office I work for contacted the individual responsible for creating our billing program. After 3 attempts at failure, our frustration got the best of us and we demanded that the program either recognize Y2K or we would purchase a new program that could.
In response to our demand, the programmer (and I use that word liberally) sent the below to us in an effort to explain his version of Y2K.
In a further comedic act, the programmer attempted to explain to us on the telephone that Y2K was a "hardware" problem and not a "software" problem.
We have removed his name to save him embarrassment. - Larry H. Corbett, Jr.
Programmer's response:
It is y2k compliant in a way. 00 is 1900 OR 2000. Billing is correct, AR (accounts receivables) is correct. Nowhere in the system is the day of week shown. I plan to use as do other lawyers. Y2K day of week fix is several months of work and file conversion. (Program name deleted) was written (circa 1985) when dates only had YY as 2 chars. Interest calcs and days AR do not work of course but are used little if at all.
In other words, the century rolls. View AR as 1900 to 12/31/99 and nothing gets lost.
A fellow cashier at a local grocery store had a fun comment on Y2K. What
happened was the register belts and the register number lights went out. One
of the registers also went out. Turns out just that register was on a power
circuit with the belts and lights, but anyway, the circuit breaker tripped,
and the cashier using that register thought it just HAD to have SOMETHING to
do with Y2K...
One thing I am sure of: If you hear anyone blame a glitch on
the Y2k bug, it's safe bet that it's anything *but* the Y2k bug.
Submitted by John Thompson.
I'm the y2k guy at the "largest software
company you've never heard of". I see our semi-clueless CIO in the
lunchroom today, and he says: "Well, in 30 days it'll all be
over." I want to say something like, "No, you knothead, in 32 days
(but who's counting?) we'll find out everything we didn't do right, and
we'll start REALLY working." Instead I say, "No, that's when the
fun starts." He laughs. I don't.
Sounds like January 3rd will be a real yuk-fest at your
company. Submitted by someone claiming to be David Beamer.
I heard someone say, "I don't know how
I'll make coffee if my timer doesn't work on my machine. I also saw
someone selling Y2k-compliant can openers. Duh! Hasn't anyone ever heard
of "hand -held" can openers?
And how will the cats of the world know that food is being
served without that electric can-opener noise? Submitted by Heather Trahan.
As a Systems Analyst and Y2K Project Manager
for a Credit Union in New Mexico, I spent many hours working with various
users testing individual software packages for the Y2K Bug. On one
occasion, after spending most of the day engrossed in testing a mortgage
application, a conversation developed with the user. (Who I am sure at
some point in her life has been a blonde.) First she remarked that it
appeared to take a lot of time and effort to resolve the problem. Then
earnestly, wondered; "What'd they do last time?"
I'm blonde. I don't get it. :) Submitted by
Roger Mills.