The Duh-2000 Contest
Even more humor about the Year 2000 problem

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We get these e-mails from time to time with Y2k humor.  We have no idea if they belong to anyone, or are just part of that mass-consciousness floating around in cyberspace.  Anyway, we'll post the best of them here.  If anyone recognizes their own work or if any of the material is copyrighted, please drop us a line at contest@duh-2000.com and we'll be glad to give credit where credit is due...

Y-to-K PROJECT UPDATE (Final)

Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and under budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the new date standards. The project team has been disbanded and all contractors have been released.

For the record, the new standards are: Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November and December. Also, Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, and Saturdak.

I trust that this is satisfactory because, to be honest, this Y-to-K issue remains a mystery to me. I do understand that this is a serious global problem, and our team has been happy to take responsibility for the project. But what does the year 2000 have to do with it?

Speaking of the year 2000, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? I'll await your direction."

Project Leader Y-to-K Conversion

-Thanks TK. :)

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Twas the Night Before 2000

'Twas the night before 2000 and all through the tower, applications were failing, more by the hour.
The programs were running on the mainframe with care, in hope that the millennium bug was not there.
The programmers were seated in front of their PC's, while visions of blank paychecks danced in their heads.
With Amy in her office and I at my desk, we had just settled down for a night with no rest.
When up on my screen there arose such a ding, I sprang from my chair screaming .. "I didn't touch a thing!"
Away from my computer I ran real quick, tore open the drawer and picked up a stick.
I glared at the PC, evil and mean, then realized ... it's just a machine.
What to my wondering eyes should I see, but a miniature window, and a message for me.
With tired eyes, I gave a glance, only hours left .. we don't have a chance!
More rapid than eagles the languages fell, and we whistled, and shouted, and called with a yell; "Now COBOL! now, NATURAL, Batch and On-Line! Oh, FORTRAN! Oh SAS! Now CHORE went flat-line!
From the front of my face, to the face of the wall, now bash away! bash away! bash away all!
As the team gathered together for one last try, the word from management came... "Fix it or die!"
So they sat in their chairs, in the up-right position, with a desk full of work, and a nasty disposition!
And then, in a dinging, I heard the speaker mention, "Attention, the building, Attention."
As he tried to speak the next word, the crashing of the mainframe is all we heard.
The programs were a mess, from start to end. My screen was tarnished with an ugly abend.
The team assembled, into one huge pack, we looked like hungry wolves, ready to attack.
Our eyes - how they twinkled! Our fingers typed with a clank. Fix Payroll we said, because our paychecks are blank!
The sweat on my face was falling like rain, while the coding of COBOL drove me insane!
The stump of a pencil I held tight in my hand, I chewed nervously, hoping I would not get canned!
I coded some Windows and a Bridge too, that took a program from version one to two.
I was tired, weak, and in a delusion state, and I laughed when I saw it, in spite of fate.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, soon let me know that bug was not dead!
It spoke not a word, but went straight to work, crashing the remaining programs, then turned with a jerk.
I placed the cursor next to the bug, pressed the delete key to remove the little thug.
But I heard it exclaim, as I erased the line.....
"Happy Millennium for now, 'cause I'll return in 9999!"

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Two Digits for a Date
(to the tune of "Gilligan's Island," more or less)

Attributed to Steve Wheeler (swheeler@xpert.net) who
first posted it to the
newsgroup rec.music.filk in January of 1998

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date.
Two digits for a date.

Main memory was smaller then;
Hard disks were smaller, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two."

"This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we rewrite before that
It all will go away.
It all will go away."

But Management had not a clue:
"It works fine now, you bet!
A rewrite is a straight expense;
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet."

Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to @#%&,
For zero's less than ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.

The mail won't bring your pension check
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight,
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.

The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure.

(key change, big finish)

There's not much time,
There's too much code.
(And Cobol-coders, few)
When the century is finished with,
We may be finished, too.
We may be finished, too.

Eight thousand years from now I hope
That things weren't left too late,
And people aren't then lamenting
Four digits for a date.
Four digits for a date.

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Y2K CONVERSION by Jeffrey A. Rice

To the tune of "HOTEL CALIFORNIA", with apologies to The Eagles.

In a lofty corporation, cool chill up my spine, reading estimations, of a buck or more per line.

Up ahead in the future, though the budget's been tight, we must convert the programs, where legacy code saved 2 bytes.

Desperately needing people, I met the contractor from Hell, and I was thinking to myself, "He could overcharge us and do quite well."

Then we surveyed the system, and it ruined my day. I get E-mail more and more; they would mostly say:

"Welcome to the Y2K conversion. Every companies fate, to find an invalid date.

Welcome to the Y2K Conversion. Every program we fear, contains a 2 digit year."

Our annual budget got twisted. We don't have MVS/ESA. We got a bunch of slow programs, that run all day.

As they talk in the meetings, Some tempers hot, Some things are remembered. Most things are forgot.

So I call up the vendor, "Please fix our online". He says "We won't be compliant here, till 1999."

And still our clients are calling, from far away. Wake me up in the middle of the night just to hear them say:

"Welcome to the Y2K conversion. Every companies fate, to find an invalid date.

Welcome to the Y2K Conversion. Every program we fear, contains a 2 digit year."

I don't manage Systems, They wouldn't take my advice. We are all just prisoners here, of a slow device.

To complicate our problems, our analysts look like fools. Instead of careful research, they argue leap year rules.

One thing to remember, when your programmers want paid more, They can get a big offer, from that high tech firm next door.

"Good Lord!" said our founder, "Am I to perceive, all this work with no improvements? This I can't believe!"

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Code On By Jeffrey A. Rice To the tune of "Dream On" with apologies to Aerosmith

Every time I program I fear all these lines and that date getting nearer It never ends I run tests, I fix abends Isn't that the way everybody's got to get through Y2K

Yeah, I know nobody knows the results of those zeros I know no one's laughin' when the abject terror, sets in

Half our lib's have loads without source code Seems quite clear the team's gone to crunch mode You know it's true All this work comes down to you

Scan for the day, scan for the year Scan for the month, and 19's my dear Scan with me, if it's just for today Maybe tomorrow recruiter might take you away

Yeah, Scan for the day, scan for the year Scan for the month, and 19's my dear Scan with me, if it's just for today Maybe tomorrow recruiter might take you away

Code On Code On Code On Code until compliance come true Code On Code On Code On Code until compliance comes through Code On Code On Code On

Code On Code On Code On Code On

Scan for the day, scan for the year Scan for the month, and 19's my dear Scan with me, if it's just for today Maybe tomorrow recruiter might take you away Scan for the day, scan for the year Scan for the month, and 19's my dear Scan with me, if it's just for today Maybe tomorrow recruiter might take you away.....


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