From Contest #3
Special stupidity alert:
"The Gartner Group, which said last year that millennium bomb rehabilitation
would cost between $300 billion and $600 billion worldwide, also said in the report
published this month that only 50 percent of companies that had projects to eliminate
the bomb planned to test their corrected systems."
What? Test? I'm sure it'll work fine. Besides, eliminating that
40-50% of our project timeline gives us a chance to tell our executives we'll be done in
time. From Rueters Millennium
Computer Bomb Seen Unstoppable For Some August 19, 1998. By the way for the DUH
impaired, it isn't the Gartner Group we're talking about being stupid here.
The Candidates (the official list):
Bill Gates, on the Millennium Bug issue: "There is no
problem with PCs and with packaged software."
And to prove it, Microsoft has a whole section of it's web site devoted to
detailing the various non-problems at www.microsoft.com/year2000.
Quoted on BusinessWorld Online Roundtable with
Bill Gates, March 20, 1998. Submitted by Candace Skalet.
AND...
Bill Gates again: "Any program where you still have
somebody around who remembers the program, it's pretty simple to go find the place that
they compare dates. You don't compare dates that many places in a program. It's in very,
very few places. Even if you do it in a lot of places, there's a way of fooling the system
by just taking all the dates you put in and subtracting 30 years before you put them in
and adding 30 years when you put them out. There are some clever ways to get around
it."
And of course, we're still awaiting Microsoft MagicBullet2000™, coming to a
retailer near you real soon... Quoted on Microsoft's Q&A
Session with Bill Gates, May 8, 1997. Also submitted by Candace
Skalet.
David Race Bannon,an instructor
in computer sciences at Guilford Technical Community College (Greensboro NC): "If
computers turned off tomorrow, who cares? It'd take about a week (to fix). But the
computers are not going to turn off. ... The average consumer is not going to have any
problem at all. Your microwave will keep on running no matter what date it's set
for."
Apparently people are worried about their small appliances. Quoted on Greensboro
News & Record Online Y2K
doomsday: fact or fiction? August 2, 1998. Submitted by Mark Doerhoefer.
Jerry Pournelle, author and
pundit: "Some experts say the real problems will come from so-called embedded
systems: computers installed in quite unexpected places. VCRs. Clock radios. Even my
toaster and coffeemaker know what the date is. The toaster doesn't care what the year is,
but one of the VCRs does, and after Jan. 1, 2000, I may not be able to program it
properly: I might even miss taping an episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."
Once again, hardly a tragedy, although I am quite fond of Buffy. "
More small appliance concerns. And we'd feel really rained on if we couldn't
tape BTVS! Quoted on IntellectualCapital.com Don't Panic, Be
Practical, July 30, 1998. Submitted by Paul Milne.
AND
Jerry Pournelle, author and pundit: "But the republic
has endured hurricanes, drought, the Great Freeze -- remember when power plants were not
working because the piles of fuel coal were frozen and had to be blasted apart with
dynamite -- and worse. These were events of real destruction. Property was destroyed, and
people died. Computer failures are hardly in the same league."
No, they aren't. Simultaneous global computer failures are in a different
league altogether. Quoted on IntellectualCapital.com What to Do about
the Millennium Bug August 20, 1998. Submitted anonymously.
William Gauld, CIO, Textron
Inc: "The year 2000 problem is one of the greatest things that has happened to IS. If
you weren't invited before to the senior management table, you clearly are now."
Gee, you mean we could have been invited before just by screwing something big and
important up?? If we had only known! Quoted on Software Magazine Newsfront, July 1998 Year
2000 issue. Submitted by Karen Vincent.
And it just wouldn't be a contest without something from the
Russians. Marshal Igor Sergeyev, former commander of
Strategic Missile Forces: "This problem affects more those spheres where mass-market
computer technology is used. In Russia's Strategic Missile Forces, there is no risk
because special computer technology is used."
Oh. "Special" computers. Why didn't they just say so in the first
place? Quoted on Wired News Russia Brushes Off Y2K
Scare August 12, 1998. Submitted by Mavis Thomson-Shearer.
Fred Moody, author and
columnist: "When it comes to the fizzle factor—the degree to which an expected
event fails to live up to its hype—the “millennium bug” (aka Y2K) will
prove to be the standard against which all other overhype is measured. Not for 1,000 years
or so has so much dread been provoked, and so much money made, in preparation for
something that will amount to so little."
And of course we all know that the Titanic was "hyped" as unsinkable.
Quoted on ABCNews.com It’s Y1K All Over
Again. Submitted by D. Neufeldt.
Rep. Constance A. Morella (R-Md.),
who chaired the House technology subcommittee hearing, reminded the audience at the
Rayburn House Office Building that any substantial breakdown in the air traffic control
system would not jeopardize public safety, since planes would be held on the ground, but
"would obviously cause economic dislocation."
Washingtonspeak for "it would be bad." One assumes that the
airlines would not put planes in the air if there was a substantial breakdown about to
unpredictably occur. Quoted on WashingtonPost.com FAA May
Run Out of Time To Fix Y2K August 7, 1998. Submitted by Laura A Archbald.
Nicholas Zvegintzov, president
and chief technical officer of Software Management Network: "...much computer
software interprets two-digit years perfectly well. (If you are not confused because your
driver's license expires in 01, why should a computer be confused?)"
Only the software that uses the two-digit year to do any kind of calculation will
be confused. Quoted on IntellectualCapital.com Don't Move to that Y2K
Commune Just Yet June 25, 1998. Submitted by Jeanne M. Viola.
Judy Noe, technology
consultant: "It's not Armageddon. The sun won't fall out of the sky because it's not
controlled by computers."
Good thing. There would have to be one honking big heat sink on that particular
embedded chip. Quoted in the Chicago Tribune Bunker
mentality taking hold in fear of Y2K glitch August 3, 1998. Submitted by Jim
Ritchhart. And Judy, if you see this give us a call or drop us a line to say hi!
Ric Edelman, author, radio
investment advisor, and faculty member at Georgetown University: "Be aware of the
Millennium Bug, but don't do anything about it."
Finally! Some advice that senior executives, politicians and bureaucrats will
have no problem understanding. Quoted on the Metro DC Fairfax Journal Are your investments safe from the
Bug? August 11, 1998. Submitted by Paul Milne.
Not a quote, but a special Duh-2000 tip of the hat to:
Merrill Lynch, (nominated in the previous contest for
painting a rosy picture of corporate Y2k readiness) who just disclosed in their recent
SEC-10k filing that their Y2k remediation effort would be $100 million (US) more costly
than the $275 million (US) they said it would in March 1998.
Oopsie! This from the company that just released a report saying that most
businesses were in good shape. Read about their report in the TechWeb article Merrill Lynch Paints Rosy
Y2K Picture, July 10, 1998, and about their new estimate on the VNU Newswire Merrill
Lynch forced to add $100 million to Y2K costs August 11, 1998.
Tom Clancy, author and would-be
NFL team owner, when asked if he was concerned about the Y2k problem: "Actually, I
think somebody just made that up, and if the Y2K problem, you know, the Year 2000 computer
problem is real, nobody's proven it to me yet. ... Yeah, the worse thing happens is we
shut down all the computers. You know, we can still live without computers. I can remember
living in a world that had no computers at all."
We remember "Red Storm Rising" too, but that doesn't mean we want to go
read it again. Who would have guessed that the father of the techno-novel was a Luddite at
heart. Quoted on CNN.com Tom Clancy brings back
his master of secret ops. Submitted by Adam Solomon.
Unidentified editorial writer: "The truth is that it's
all about money. And believe us, there are lots of people making huge bucks off your
ill-founded panic -- and smiling and laughing all the way to the bank."... "Even
a lowly mere testing analyst is pulling in 54,300 clams every 12 months -- and you can bet
that most of them are about 19 years old, listen to Hole and wear a backwards baseball
cap."
Hmm...of course this has nothing at all to do with the laws of supply and demand.
Quoted on the Wichita Business Journal Y2K: Big windfall for
computer geeks August 24, 1998.
Hank Erwin of WDJC Radio in
Birmingham, Alabama: “I have specifically asked Mr. Hyatt (Michael Hyatt, author of The
Millennium Bug) to address the Y2K breakdown as it applies to churches. ... Most
Alabama churches are still in the dark as to what Y2K is all about. Unless they wake up
soon, it could be a disaster!”
Of Biblical proportions? Now, if the Telcos and the public utilities, break
down, sure...disaster. But churches??? Quoted on MSNBC First Y2K briefing set as wake-up call to
Alabama churches August 25, 1998.
Stupid news:
"The 2000 bug
·Fed hops on millennium bandwagon
Now the august Federal Reserve has joined in the year 2000 nonsense. The Fed is commissioning an extra $50 billion in currency for the year 1999 in case the Y2K bug bites.
Sociologically, the Fed is correct; mathematically, it is
not, because one of two things will happen: Nothing, in which case the extra cash is not
needed, or we revert to the year 1900, in which case the dollar will go a lot further
because prices were lower then."
An anonymous entry found on the Knoxville News Sentinel editorial page G2, August
23, 1998. No URL for this one, but we have a copy of the article.
And now the the unofficial list:
all those other entries who's sources couldn't be verified, but we liked anyway
One of those infamous informed sources:"If
[your data] is really important, copy the material to a floppy disk, take a short break
over the weekend beginning Friday December 31, 1999, get thoroughly merry if your a
drinker, and return to work on Monday, January 3, and reload the disk."
Better yet, clip the disk to your metal desk with a strong refrigerator magnet so
you won't lose it! Quoted in "The Canberra Times", the regional newspaper for
Australia's capital city on July16, 1998, but not available online and therefore
regrettably unofficial. Submitted by a Y2k manager down under who wishes to remain
anonymous.
Un-named vendor: "As we
discussed on the phone the other day, our <snip> products have no known date
sensitivities. Please feel free to integrate those products into your Y2K test plans.
Should you find any problems related to Year 2000, <snip> will provide you with a
remedy in the form of a patch."
Sounds like they are saying: "it's not a problem unless you find out it's a
problem." Is that like calories not counting if no one sees you eat them?
Submitted by Ron Beraha.
And in the "almost makes sense" category:
Submitted by Eric S. Weiss, who writes: I sent out an explanation of the Year 2000
problem to members of our church who have e-mail, and briefly described what caused the
problem, i.e., on 1/1/2000, many computers or computing chips will see the "00"
and think that it's the year 1900, since many don't use 4-digit year codes. One person
responded to me:
"I don't see why there's a problem with computers thinking it's the year 1900.
Computers weren't even invented in 1900."