From Contest #10
This Contest's Candidates (the official list, in no particular order):
Speaking of millennium babies...
"Two weeks ago, Duane and Susan
Dimock of San Diego announced that they
would like to fly to the international date line and undergo a C-section at 12:00:01 a.m.
on Jan. 1, thereby having the world's first millennium baby. They would do this on the
small island country of Kiribati, near the Marshall Islands, they said. Now Duane Dimock
reports that the trip is unlikely, in large part because his wife is afraid the birth will
become a media spectacle. "She's getting weird about it, he laments."
Get out the egg timers. Quoted on The Boston Globe Conceive now, and cash in on the millennium March 25, 1999.
Hugh Downs, co-anchor
ABCNEWS’ 20/20 and one of the most familiar figures in the history of broadcasting:
"Some calendars and computers have a leap day built in, some do not. The confusion
comes from a difference of opinion as to whether the 400-year cycle extends from 1000 or
from 2000 AD. If the latter, then a 29-day February is appropriate for the coming
millennial year. If not, we may have a problem. Because our computers and calendars are
not all the same on this — and because nobody, it seems, is doing anything about the
anomaly — we’re headed for a mess. The best thinking, I’m told,
astronomically, is that the year 2000 should not have a leap day."
Sigh. Talk to astronomers, Hugh, not astrologers. No
one is doing anything about it for a reason: the Year 2000 is, was, and has
been a leap year since October 4, 1582 when Pope Gregory XIII decreed the
new calendar. There is some disagreement over the length of the astronomical
"tropical year" (see see Simon Cassidy's Error in
Statement of Tropical Year for an explanation) but that has nothing to do with whether
there should be a February 29th next year. Quoted on ABCNews.com The LeapDayY2K Bug
March 19, 1999. Submitted by Claudia Sawyer.
Neither rain, nor snow, nor darkness...
Norman E. Lorentz, the Postal Service’s senior vice
president and chief technology officer, at a congressional hearing in February: "I
cannot promise that there will be no problems. But we remain confident that with the
continued hard work of everyone involved, we will achieve our goals of delivering the
mail, protecting our employees and protecting our finances." The article goes on to
say "As of early this month, [March] the service was finishing its master 2000 plan.
Lorentz initially had promised House lawmakers that USPS would finish the plan by Feb. 26.
But a House staff member said the service deadline for submitting the plan to Congress had
slipped to March 12."
Er, it's in the mail. Honest. Quoted on Government Computer News After a late start, Postal Service
scrambles to deliver 2000 fixes March 15, 1999. Submitted by Ron Boschelli.
Who's on first, the Y2k edition
Exchange between Larry King and Art
Bell on Larry King Live, March 5, 1999:
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Obviously Larry and Art were demonstrating "channelling" with the spirits of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. Quoted on CNN's Larry King Live Art Bell Discusses the Unexplained March 5, 1999. Submitted by Merle Bengston.
Joe Riley, president of the
Technological Information Consultants of Australia: "One likely thing that may happen
is something like an insurance company will not insure or underwrite planes that go to
(non-compliant) countries. ... Nobody's alarming people or doing alarmist things. It's a
reality.''
The Australian definition of "alarming" must be different that the
American version. Probably has something to do with those Fosters beer ads (whose web site, by the way, is
blissfully non-compliant). G'day mate! Quoted on Reuters Y2K
Summit Consensus: No One Totally Safe From Bug March 3, 1999. Submitted by Linda
Fitzpatrick.
Jack L. Brock, director of
governmentwide and defense information systems at GAO, said DoD needs to take extra
precautions to make sure its critical systems will work. "It's like going to a party,
and you risk your pants falling down," he said. "You not only want to wear a
belt, but suspenders as well."
And clean underwear! Yeah, it's exactly like that, in a way that is utterly
different. Quoted on GovExec.com Auditors say DoD needs to look at
the big Y2K picture March 3, 1999. Submitted by Kirsten Oschwald.
This is like shooting Russian fish in a barrel...
Serhiy Parashin, head of the Ukrainian Energy and
Information research center: "We have to prepare for the worst in our nuclear energy
sector, and this 'worst' might mean that all stations could stop simultaneously."
That's the absolute worst, huh? Parashin, who is a former director of the
Chernobyl nuclear power plant, also said in the same article that the consequences of the
bug problem could be 'most unexpected,' but did not elaborate. Quoted on Reuters Millenium
Bug May Stop Ukraine Nuke Plants-Expert March 5, 1999. Submitted by Linda
Fitzpatrick.
Not to be outdone by the Russians and the Italians,
Spain checks in...
Xavier Vidal, head of
millennium-bug preparation for Spain's biggest savings bank La Caixa: "This is a
Latin characteristic. ... We wait for the last day, but it gets done."
Well, they have the "wait until the last minute part" down anyway.
Quoted on the Wall Street Journal Spanish
Companies Scramble To Avoid the Millennium Bug (Requires Paid Registration) March 2,
1999. Submitted by Christine Greenwald.
Vice President Al "Mr.
Information Superhighway" Gore weighs in on Y2k: "We feel, and the
Defense Department feels, that problem is not going to be a problem. Of course, it can't
be a problem. We won't allow it to be a problem. ... We're confident that it is going to
be solved, but we're going to be doubly, triply and quadrupally confident that it's going
to be solved before September of this year."
Wow. And we'll bet you didn't even know "quadrupally" was a real word!
Quoted on San Jose Mercury News Gore says U.S. will be ready
for Y2K February 28, 1999. Submitted by Bill Adsit.
Sen. Richard Lugar, telling
Indiana state legislators that government agencies and private companies should tell the
truth about possible problems looming from the Y2K computer bug to prevent possible panic:
"And even after all of our reassurances, some people are skeptical of the
government."
"Hi. We're from the government and we're here to help you."
Quoted on StarNews.com Lugar tells
lawmakers about Y2K progress, worries February 19, 1999. Submitted by Christine
Greenwald.
Graeme Inchley, CEO of the Australian government-sponsored
Y2K industry program. "We're at the point where the majority of businesses that are
doing nothing have actually made a conscious decision to do nothing. They figure they'll
fix it if something goes wrong. I can sympathise with that position, but it's awfully
risky."
The term "Russian Roulette" may take on a whole new meaning after Y2k is
all said and done. Quoted on Financial Review 30pc play Russian Roulette
with Y2K February 2, 1999. Submitted by Linda Fitzpatrick.
Zimbabwe's Minister of Information Chen
Chimutengwende, whose responsibilities include information technology: "What
is this Year 2000 problem?"
Not a good sign. Quoted on Financial Mail Interactive (South Africa) Top & Tail February 5, 1999.
Submitted by Heinz Grimm.
No wonder the Russians are in trouble:
Jim Wibor, technical advisor for Pacific Northwest National
Laboratories--a contractor supporting the DOE on international nuclear safety--commenting
on the 65 or so non-Y2k-compliant nuclear reactor facilities in Russia: "They are
unlikely to be able to replace computers with Y2k problems, unless it's really an urgent
need."
Define "urgent." Apparently microwave ovens and VCR's are
"urgent," but nuclear reactors are not. Quoted on EUY2K.com The Newsroom March 1, 1999 (note the
non-compliant date at the top of the page!). Submitted by David Stoermer.
"...[L]ocal bankers who have worked on the problem
extensively are rendered nearly speechless when asked what they would do if their ATM
systems went down for an entire week. Their systems have been tested so thoroughly that
they can't imagine it happening, they say. "That would mean something very critical
has gone wrong," said a spokesman for LaSalle National Bank in Chicago."
Sometimes the only appropriate response to a statement is: "duh!" Quoted
on The Chicago Tribune Banks try to
exterminate fears that Y2K bug threatens deposits February 21, 1999. Submitted
by Kirsten Oschwald.
Paul Takemoto spokesman for the
FAA: "We are absolutely confident we will have everything ready. ... And that's not
just false boasting."
It is, perhaps, somewhat overconfident, however. Just for the record, yours
truly the webmaster here at Duh-2000 will be flying on January 2, 2000 (well, perhaps it
is more appropriate to say that the flight is booked). And if things are bad, I'll
be stuck in Florida (damn the bad luck!). Quoted on The Dallas Morning News Headaches perhaps biggest
danger in flying on Jan. 1 February 23, 1999.
Portland City Commissioner Charlie Hales: "We should ask
ourselves why the city of Portland is doing this [spending up to $150,000 on Y2k
preparation] while 200 other cities in this state aren't. ... There's going to be a
serious food shortage of potato chips and champagne."
Commissioner Hales may end up hoping there is a serious shortage of rotten eggs and
tomatoes when it comes time for the first City Council meeting next year. Quoted on
The Oregonian Officials
question need for Y2K plan February 24, 1999. Submitted by Katherine Ogle.
Stupid Journalism
Chicago Tribune staff writer James
Coates: "As just about anybody who ever tried to level a crooked 3-legged
stool using a handsaw can tell the world, sometimes trying to fix a problem just makes it
worse. You saw off the leg you think is too long and then it's too short. So you trim down
the other two legs to match the first boo boo. Now you've got a stool that still wobbles
but now it's too short as well as unstable. The parable of the milking stool and the
handsaw gets cited frequently to describe the situation as computer experts realize that
the very weapons they use to fight the Millennium Bug are, themselves, buggy."
Er, that would be a *four* legged (or more) stool. Three-legged stools are
inherently stable and can't wobble. Quoted on The Chicago Tribune Y2K spawns army
of bugs February 15, 1999. Submitted by Eric Cotton.
And now the the unofficial list:
all those other entries whose sources couldn't be verified, but we liked anyway
I recently overheard this from a couple of 16 year olds:
"Y2K?.... Isn't that the thing on my zipper?" (and lo and behold there is a Y
and 2 K's on that zipper!!!)
Yep. And if you want to know why, check out the zipper company YKK. Curiously enough, there does not
appear to be a Y2K compliance statement on their site. Talk about missing a marketing
opportunity! ("The official zipper of Y2K!" -- then again, maybe not.) Submitted
by Kelly Hathaway.
At a recent gathering where people heard I was in charge of
a Year 2000 Program - someone said "Yeah, I heard the guy who invented the term Y2K
is making millions off the royalties!"
That's right! You people all know that if you use the term "Y2k"
you are supposed to be mailing in royalty payments, don't you? Just send them to us.
We'll make sure the appropriate people get it. ;) Submitted by Kathy
Lee.
I have to make this anonymous because these quotes come from
our client's legal eagles, and you can't offend a client. I've run into this legal
language several times, and I find it hilarious. It comes in contract addendum's and
warranty requests from our clients, and it usually goes something like this... "In
order for the software to be Year 2000 Compliant it must (i) accurately process date/time
data (including, but not limited to, calculating, comparing, sorting, sequencing and
calendar generation), including single century formulas and multi-century formulas, from,
into within and between the twentieth and twenty-first centuries..." etc. I
wondered how something could go on "between" centuries, so I asked the client's
lawyer. I actually had a lawyer try to convince me there was a little tiny chunk of time
that sits in between one year and the next. She couldn't tell me exactly how long that
time was, but she was sure it was there. The other thing I find amusing is the reference
to everything running properly, "...between the twentieth and twenty-first
centuries..." Since the calendar actually started with year 1 and not year 0, the
transition from the 20th to the 21st century will occur with the transition from December
31st, 2000 to January 1st, 2001. So the way the contract is worded, they don't have any
assurances that things will work from 1999 to 2000. Duh.
And it comes as no surprise. Anyone who has ever been billed for work by an
attorney knows they have a very strange concept of billable time. Many thanks for
this astute submission!
I have an uncle who is an ex-military type from India and
now lives in the US. He suggested to his Nephew (from the other side of the family) back
in India who just finished high school this year (1999) that he should go to college and
then come to the USA to work on the Y2K problem! Must be one smart kid if he can finish
college in less than 9 months!!!
Either that or a pessimistic uncle who assumes there will still be Y2k work to do
by the time the kid graduates. Submitted by Sunil Gupta.
Speaking of careers...
Told to me at a college job fair: "Man, you should go into Y2K consulting... you'll
be set for life!"
Depends on how high your fees are for the next few months, we suppose. Submitted by
Andy Galvan.
I was in a meeting where we were discussing the upgrade of
our store time and attendance clocks and software to make the system Y2k compliant. The
manager in charge of the store IS area, upon hearing that his group would have to be
involved in the testing of the new clocks and software, became extremely irritated and
said, "We just put together our budget for 1999, and this wasn't included! We'll have
to go back, start over, and work it into our budget!"
Budget money for testing? Why didn't someone tell us we needed to do that?
Submitted by Dina Bailey.
My wife works for a facilities maintenance mail-order supply
house, and talked with the supply manager of a major hotel chain who wanted to know if the
faucets he was ordering were Y2K compliant. My wife had to hit the mute button on her
phone headset, because she could not stifle her laughter.
He was probably just following up the phone call he had just made to verify that water
was Y2k compliant. Submitted by David Fogerson.
Recently overheard: "Y2K? It could be worse: we could
be trying to fix it without computers."
Kind of stupid and kind of true, considering we're using a lot of automated
remediation tools. Fixing it by hand would have been a pain (on the other hand if we
didn't have computers we wouldn't have had to fix it at all). Submitted by Garry
Gregson.